Silly talk

You can't bring that in here. Go on. I won't spill it.

This is a secure area. It's only a can of Coke.

A can of Coke which threatens America. Is this an Atkins thing?

No, it's an army thing. For all I know that can may be used to eavesdrop on a US military base. Maybe, if I had some string, and another can.

I believe your beverage may contain a hidden Global Positioning Satellite chip and a mobile communications device. I doubt it. It only cost 60p.

This is not a laughing matter, friend. Not so far, I agree. What are you talking about?

As part of its Unexpected Summer promotion, Coca-Cola has fitted some multi-pack cans with a mobile phone and a GPS device. Why?

When consumers activate the can, it rings a special hotline. Why?

So that, with the beverage owner's consent, the "Coca-Cola Unexpected Summer Prize Team" can use the GPS chip to track him down like a dog. Why?

To give him an SUV. Oh. And can these cans really spy on US bases?

According to Coke spokesman Mart Martin, no. "It cannot be used as an eavesdropping device", he says. But the military doesn't concur?

"We're asking people to open the cans and not to bring it in if there's a GPS device in it", says a Fort Knox spokesman. A bit paranoid, isn't it?

An analyst from the Rand Corporation certainly believes the risk should be taken seriously: "There's a lot of reason to worry about how that technology could be taken advantage of by a third party without Coke's knowledge." Ridiculous! It's like that time the CIA banned Furbies because they might repeat sensitive phrases.

It's you we are trying to protect. I feel utterly sick.

You shouldn't drink that stuff. Now you tell me.

in The guardian, 6/7/04